finding a more sustainable and authentic approach to growth: balancing grit & stoicism with emotional fluidity

“That’s soft,” my friend called out during a recent trip to Maui. We were doing a bunch of water and outdoor activities, and I hesitated to jump from a small cliff into a pool. My friend, who embraces the “grit” mindset, teased me (in a playful, constructive way) for being “soft.” For him, life is about pushing your limits and leaning into discomfort to discover your true potential. He told me I’d never know my limits unless I tried, even if it didn’t seem enjoyable at first.

That got me thinking—was I being “soft,” or simply respecting my lingering fear of water from a childhood near-drowning experience? This sent me down a rabbit hole of reexamining the values I want to live by. Specifically, how to balance pushing myself with being authentic. So I wanted to write this piece to reflect, gain clarity, and, more importantly, remind myself of how I want to guide my personal growth.

Grit: The Engine of Perseverance

Angela Duckworth, a psychologist and author of Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance, introduced the concept of grit as the combination of perseverance and passion toward long-term goals. Her research shows that consistent effort often matters more than talent when it comes to success. Figures like David Goggins—a former Navy SEAL and ultramarathon runner—take this idea to the extreme. His mantra, “stay hard,” pushes the idea of resilience to its limits, encouraging people to embrace discomfort and endure challenges to break through obstacles. At its core, grit is about enduring challenges and growing stronger in the pursuit of meaningful goals.

For periods of my life, I’ve leaned on “grit” heavily to achieve goals, pushing myself to stay disciplined in the name of achieving goals. It worked here and there. But grit has its downsides. It can lock you into a mindset of perpetual “I’m not enough yet so I can’t relax,” delaying satisfaction until the next milestone (which changes once you get there).

This endless chase for the next goal burns you out easily if you are just powering through it. Grit is like a dirty fuel: powerful, but it burns out the engine quickly if it’s all you rely on.

Stoicism: The Calm Amid Chaos

Then I learned about stoicism when I was serving my mandatory military service in the Taiwanese army. It brought some peace and balance to my life. Stoicism focuses on controlling what’s within our power—our thoughts and actions—and accepting what isn’t. As Marcus Aurelius wrote, “You have power over your mind—not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” Stoicism provides clarity, helping us make rational decisions without being overwhelmed by emotions.

While grit pushes us to endure discomfort, stoicism offers the ability to step back and assess. It’s a grounding philosophy that tempers the chaos grit can create. But while stoicism helps me stay rational, it often feels emotionally detached and cold, suppressing feelings instead of addressing them.

Life isn’t purely logical, and treating emotions as obstacles to suppress can make us feel robotic. We’re emotional creatures, after all, and ignoring that side of ourselves isn’t sustainable.

Emotional Fluidity: Leveraging Emotions

This is where emotional fluidity comes in. Taught in the Art of Accomplishment (highly recommend the podcast), emotional fluidity is about embracing and processing emotions, rather than suppressing or ignoring them. Emotions are not obstacles—they’re guides. By feeling emotions fully, we allow them to move through us, uncovering deeper self-understanding and insights that drive authentic growth.

We tend to resist difficult emotions like shame, fear, or sadness, which causes stagnation in our bodies and minds. But when we fully feel and process them, they move through us, allowing us to have more clarity and self-awareness.

For example, rather than forcing myself to “suck it up and just do it” with my fear of water, I could explore the emotion. Feeling the fear, I might recognize it stems from a childhood memory where I felt powerless. Acknowledging that I’m now an adult—stronger and more capable—creates space for productive steps forward. This approach is gentler, requires less activation energy and the willpower to “power through,” and honors my past while enabling growth.

Emotional fluidity doesn’t replace grit or stoicism; it enhances and complements them. It adds emotional intelligence and joy, making personal growth more holistic. Growth isn’t just about pushing limits—it’s about aligning actions with what feels meaningful and true.

Integrating Grit, Stoicism, and Emotional Fluidity

Growth isn’t one-size-fits-all. There’s no universal right or wrong—only the approach that works best for you in a given moment. Our backgrounds, personalities, and circumstances shape which tools resonate. And each of these mindsets serves as a tool in a larger toolkit. The key is knowing when to use each one.

For me, combining grit, stoicism, and emotional fluidity creates a balanced approach. Grit drives perseverance and ambition. Stoicism offers perspective and balance. Emotional fluidity keeps me grounded to my authentic self. Together, they create a synergy that fuels growth with clarity and enjoyment.

Rethinking Masculinity

This realignment also makes me question traditional views of masculinity. Society often links masculinity with grit and stoicism—traits useful in a survival-based past but limiting in today’s complex world. The version of masculinity I want to embody and aspire to would probably be one that approaches growth with authenticity. It’s about the strength to persevere, the wisdom to accept what is, and the emotional awareness to embrace joy and connection. True courage lies in approaching growth with both strength and sensitivity.

Closing Thoughts

Authentic growth is about how we reach our goals. While grit might accelerate progress, an integrated approach makes the journey more meaningful. It’s not about abandoning ambition but aligning it with values and fulfillment. “Focusing on the journey” isn’t an excuse for complacency—it’s about moving forward in a way that honors all parts of ourselves. By blending these mindsets, I want to create a life that’s productive, sustainable, and true to who I am. Growth isn’t just about the destination; it’s about making the journey worthwhile.